Listening to Understand
I’m right
You’wrong
Shut up
That was Brene Brown describing the environment of disagreement in a TED Talk several years ago. Unfortunately, it’s more true now than ever. Whether it’s a political debate, talk of the environment, or the current global pandemic - conversations have increasingly turned one sided. Part of this is due to the nature of social media. Most are a one way street. Even e-mail or text messages are essentially a connected stream of one way conversations. I tell you what I think and am already typing my next line before your response comes through.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”. - Steven Covey
As I was starting my career as a sales manager - I remember reading a story about someone who met Mother Teresa. They talked about the fact that no matter how busy she was, you felt like you were getting her undivided attention. I started giving my team my undivided attention when they had questions. An accidental consequence of this is that I realized that when I was totally present and in the moment - I was also fully listening to the worlds they were speaking. By allowing those extra couple of minutes, not only were they feeling more appreciated and empowered, but I walked away with a better sense of what they were trying to accomplish and what they needed from me to help them achieve success or remove an obstacle.
The world would be a more understanding place if we could pull these two lessons together. People seem to believe that by passionately (often loudly) proclaiming their beliefs - their commitment will come through and convince the other side of their “wrong-ness”. In fact, the opposite is true. By ignoring my perspective, you are essentially dismissing me. If you have no value for my opinion - why should I care about yours? We’d all be better served to listen first. Really understand the other side. Is there common ground where the conversation can be started? So, the next time you see something you disagree with...before you respond. Take a minute and take a deep breath. Can you see the other side? If not, maybe you aren’t ready to have the conversation yet.